By Jonathon Van Maren
One of The Babylon Bee’s best headlines is from April of this year: “Tragic: Post Office Fails To Deliver Abortion Pill On Time And Now There’s This Adorable Baby.” The faux news article begins:
In a horrific tragedy, the Postal Service was unable to deliver an abortion pill in time and now an adorable baby has been born. ‘It’s sickening. Just look at this beautiful, sweet baby,’ said delivery nurse Amy Schneider. ‘All of this cuteness, this amazing new life, could so easily have been avoided with one little pill. Why, God??’
According to doctors, not taking an abortion pill has been directly linked to cuddly babies being born alive. ‘Taking an abortion pill destroys a baby’s blood supply, ensuring no one experiences the calamity of seeing their wonderful, squishy faces,’ said Dr. Rhonda Miller. ‘If only this baby’s mother could have taken that pill, she wouldn’t be suffering through looking into the precious eyes of her daughter. It’s almost enough to make me cry.’
As is so often the case with Babylon Bee stories, they’re not far off. The press has published plenty of stories mourning the number of children being born as a result of protections for pre-born children – one notable New York Times essay even featured a photo of a young woman holding her child, with the journalist who authored the piece noting grimly that the mother had not had the right to have her child killed in the womb. (I hope that she gets a nasty email from the baby when she’s all grown up).
The Atlantic, too, warned in an essay that: “We Are Not Prepared For the Coming Surge of Babies.” The artwork accompanying the article was a dark room filled with ominous-looking cribs, as if the “surge of babies” constituted an infant invasion. Interestingly, prior to the Dobbs decision we were consistently told by such publications that any abortion ban would result in women dying in back alleys – that women who wanted an abortion would always and inevitably get them anyways, and that thus protections for pre-born children do not actually save any lives. As it turns out, when abortion is banned, coat hangers are used to hang up baby clothes.