The Pro-Choice Dictionary: A Satire

By Jonathon Van Maren

Abortion—A procedure very similar to brushing your teeth, by which an irritant is removed, making you feel happy.

Abortion Clinic—A wonderful health care facility in which medical professionals can dispense with the results of irresponsible sex by vacuuming out the uterus.

Abortionist—A feticide technician unburdened by the technicalities of the Hippocratic Oath and the respect of his colleagues.

Abortus—A term invented to refer to the aborted fetus to avoid recognizing his or her humanity.

Argument—A conversation in which words come together to form coherent points and counterpoints. Something pro-choice people should avoid in favor of protest. [See: chanting, pot-clanging, illiterate sign-making.]

Child Support—Something you don’t have to pay if you are successful in convincing the female you had sex with to go to an abortion clinic.

Clinic Escort—Someone who ensures that the woman can enter the clinic unburdened by second thoughts, offers of assistance, or the presentation of scientific facts regarding life in the womb.

Crisis Pregnancy Center—A fundamentalist breeding centre staffed by those who trick women out of purchasing abortion services through the devious use of scientific fact and offers of assistance.

Debate—Something that is not happening, shouldn’t happen, and never will happen because #feminism, that’s why. Should such a thing surface on a university campus, it should be shut down by whatever means necessary.

Embryo—A human being in the earliest stages of growth. The most effective ways to kill them are a suction aspirator—from human to bloody slurry in seconds—or the use of chemicals in much the same way pesticides are used.

Ethics—A set of moral guidelines that we can claim supports our right to end the life of a developing human being, at any time during pregnancy, for an reason at all. When accompanied by loud slogans and righteous indignation, large numbers of people will believe we believe in them.

Feminist—A carnivorous human being dedicated to ensuring that the youngest members of the human family remain without rights so that sex with feminist frat bros can remain sterile.

Fetal Abnormality—A condition that indicates the human being growing within the womb may not be physically perfect or may have developmental problems. The answer to this is always abortion, and this option must be relentlessly pushed on parents, especially those who are confused and seem to be wavering.

Fetus—Means “young one” or “offspring” in Latin, but in reality is a term that can be used for marvellously dehumanizing purposes. If used in a particularly contemptuous fashion, the term can confuse people into thinking that “fetus” indicates another species rather than simply a different age categorization.

Gendercide—The use of abortion to eradicate developing females. Since these females are in the womb and thus don’t count, it is paramount that it be ignored with the most deafening of silences. Feminism means women’s rights, even the rights of women to ensure that there are no more women.

Health Care—A term that should be used whenever referring to abortion or other killing procedures in order to legitimize feticide. It should also be utilized in reference to any forms of contraception, birth control, or other methods of ensuring that recreational sex does not result in reproduction. Sex is a human right.

Patriarchy—A system of old, white, men who oppress all women. This is different than feminism, which simply oppresses all pre-born human beings, insofar as that those human beings cannot speak for themselves and thus make much more convenient victims.

Products of Conception—What abortionists call the various pieces of fetus, which they must piece back together to ensure that a stray arm or leg does not cause infection in the uterus of the woman. Such incidents cause bad press, which hurts profits.

Pro-Lifer—An 87-year-old clergyperson who hates women and wants victims of sexual assault to feel ashamed. Even if there are a million other young anti-abortion activists at an event, a dedicated search will uncover this person, and multiple sinister close-ups of his face and collar will help to cement the image of anti-abortion activists as fundamentalist and irrelevant.

Pro-Life Movement—A large horde of religious anti-choice people who simultaneously hate sex and want no one to have any but also have large numbers of children.

Religion—A system of beliefs that can occasionally be co-opted to defend abortion, but should generally be avoided as unscientific, like embryology.

Sex—Contrary to popular belief, this activity does not create babies. If it does, abortionists are standing by to accept your check now.

Viability—The point at which the fetus could potentially survive outside of the womb, causing an irritating complication to the abortion procedure known as “live birth.” This can be avoided by crushing the skull prior to extraction. Discussions of viability are a favorite anti-abortion propaganda tool, and must be ignored at all costs.

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